Imagine awakening in the middle of the night to the feeling that someone, inner conscious, inner voice, outside substance, just something yelling at you at the top of their lungs. So hard that you awaken in a state of full on nervousness and drenched in sweat. With this endless pit feeling in your stomach that something is missing. And that your not giving everything to the things you say your giving everything to. Like a white lie that your pushing around to make youself look good in others eyes.
But in reality haveing this dredging feeling that this is your last shot at what you see yourself doing, or wanting to be.
I get it! This is what I want to do! And I'm not letting go. Or could be the sign to just let go and become what I have some what evolved into to. But what is that exactly? For one thing that is true I feel like I have been playing myself like a fiddle. Trying to prove that what I am actually doing is something that I am, and want to do. I haven't had this sense of regret or bad sleep in a long time. It feels like these days are gonna be upon me again till I figure all this out and get going on the right track.
Because this is it.
This is my last chance to make it.
And honestly it's scary to think that if I don't just go all in, and lose that way. Then what was the point of going back, going half in and ending up with the same result.
When in retrospect I actually could finally win. Finish! And be what I want to be.
But with every journey here I am still stuck in this tunnel. While I can see a light at the end. The feeling of doubt that your just never going to make it to the end.
9/10
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